League 2: Animation Revelations!

Despite our easy concordance when deciding the winners of the first round of Human Nickelodeon characters, Kurt and I ran into a couple disagreements hashing out the Animated bracket.  Before we get to that, though, let's review what we agreed on.

Doug easily trounced Patrick in the first round.  Patrick is undoubtedly a likable guy, and maybe it's unfair to compare a supporting character with a lead.  But what came through loud and clear in our discussion was that Doug was the better character.  We can relate to many of Doug's struggles since many of us have experienced them ourselves.  And Kurt and I being right around the same age as Doug during the run of the show didn't hurt his chances, either.  With the combined power of Quail Man, Durango, and Smash Adams, Doug easily Beets Patrick.

Despite our love for wacky niche characters, Angelica took the win over Powdered Toast Man.  Don't get us wrong, we love PTM.  He easily made the bracket to begin with.  But in any kind of serious analysis, PTM just doesn't stack up to a fully developed character like Angelica.  With Angelica, you know exactly where she stands on EVERYTHING.  When you take away PTM's flight-powering farts and imminently cling-to-able buttocks, what is left?  Not much.  I suppose PTM is a kind of blank slate, there for each of us to project our own hopes and fears onto.  In a way, we are all Powdered Toast Man.  But in another more relevant way, Angelica is the winner.

And now, the disagreements.

Ren vs. Stimpy

We knew immediately that Ren vs. Stimpy would easily be the most contentious of all the First Round battles.  We knew that this debate would likely leave the world's major cities devastated, the oceans dry, and the skies blackened.  Despite the risks to life on Earth, we pushed on.

In one corner: me and Ren.  I argued that Ren more represents the heart of the show than Stimpy; that if you had to remove one character, it would be easier to replace Stimpy than Ren.

Kurt saw things differently, instead attributing to Stimpy greater character depth and range of emotions.  Ren, Kurt argued, has two modes: normal and angry.  Stimpy, on the other hand, wears his heart on his sleeve and is unashamed to show his emotions.  Kurt also pointed out that Stimpy is voiced by none other than voice acting legend Billy West, who also voiced Doug and countless others.

To settle this, we called on Kurt's impartial friend, Brian.

Here's his ruling:

When it comes to Nick cartoons, this is like Randy Savage v. Hulk Hogan. In a lot of ways R&S made Nick toons. A completely unique, original and decidedly adult oriented show, kids watched a meth addicted chihuahua and a functionally retarded cat navigate episodes mixed with off color humor, slapstick and vulgarity. But who is the better character? Yes "Happy Happy Joy Joy" is annoying, and yes Stimpy is usually just a lovable idiot designed to get Ren angry. But that's all Ren ever is - angry. Contrary to some, Stimpy IS ACTUALLY the show. He drove anything resembling a plot, he was the one kids could relate to and laugh with, and being voiced by Billy West puts him over the top.

Winner:  Ren is a good character, and his slaps show technical proficiency. But like The Macho Man before him (R.I.P.), he must play second fiddle to his stupid but wildly popular partner, his farting Hulk Hogan, STIMPY!

So Stimpy pulls ahead in the end and secures the W.  Ren will see you in hell, Brian.

Rocko vs. Skeeter

I'm a Skeeter fan.  Have been for years.  He's a loyal friend to Doug and he's a little eccentric without being overly annoying, so long as honking doesn't bug you.  I argued that Skeeter's loyalty and friendliness to Doug warranted the win.  When Doug is the "new kid" in town, Skeeter takes it upon himself to befriend him and help him integrate into his new home.

I am also a fan of Rocko's Modern Life.  However, I think it was a show that succeeded despite its main character, not because of it.  To be honest, Rocko is probably the least interesting character of the whole show.  RML was elevated by its supporting characters.  For this reason, I gave Skeeter the edge.

Kurt, however, could not forgive Skeeter for the "Silver Skeeter" episode of Doug, which I kind of remember.  He says, and I take his word on this, this episode represents everything that is wrong with comics.  That's some heavy shit.  In any case, Kurt threw his support behind Rocko and the judge-off was on.

Again, we turned to Brian.  Here's his ruling:

Argument:  Rocko's Modern Life had better supporting characters like Heffer, Mr. & Mrs. Bighead and Peaches, along with more sophisticated humor. Doug had better stories and a more memorable theme, but unfortunately gave us Disney's Doug and Doug's First Movie. When it comes to Rocko or Skeeter, its Skeeter by a mile. While Rocko's name in the title suggests he is the star, this is false. His show is about his supporting cast and the situations they face. Rocko is the straight man, so quiet and average he disappears on his own cartoon. Skeeter is Doug's best "human" friend, always there for him no matter what. He was Doug's first friend, and assuming Porkchop is a normal dog, he will probably be Doug's last friend too. Plus he's a good wingman and knows Patty Mayonnaise is off limits.

Winner:  SKEETER and it's not even close.

So Skeeter honks past Rocko and goes onto the next round.  Sorry, Rocko!

League 1: The 4 Winners Come Easy

In a freak accident, Kevin and I agreed with all the picks! For a debatable website, we kind of failed this round. But based on some conversations, it seems you won't be agreeing with us. Special call out to Carrie, who helped get me off the fence with Omar Gooding vs. Clarissa. Did we get the answers right? Join the conversation!

Budnick v. Kevin (Ug) Lee 

KW: So for the first matchup, I think you clearly have to go with Budnick. While they did give Ug a bit of a human side (when his girlfriend broke up with him), Budnick was the undisputed king of cool at Camp Anawanna

KV: I wish this was a tougher decisions for me, because I realy do like Ug. His knowing of whether a giraffe's tongue is black or red was a highlight moment, but sadly he ran into the Salute Your Shorts champion. Budnick was everything from loathsome to cool and he has to be the winner.

Winner: Budnick

Marc Summers v. Little Pete

KV: I have to go with Marc Summers. I actually didn't like what would you do or double dare, but I did like him. He made me want to be on those shows.

KW: I have to agree. As much as I enjoyed P&P, and specifically the character of Little Pete, it was hard for me to empathize with him since I'm an older sibling. Marc is just so affable and likable. You don't realize how ridiculous his job is when you're a kid. Looking at it as an adult now, I'm amazed at how well he was able to keep shows moving forward while at the same time keeping things so positive for the kids.

KV: The thing with Pete and Pete is that it was a great show, but no one character stands out to me as sizably better. Younger Pete is better than older Pete, but the other characters like Artie are just as good. It's a show that's sum is greater than any of it's parts.

Winner: Marc Summers

Alex Mack v. Sardo

KW: This one is interesting. Neither character is really as well known among Nickelodeon characters. Full disclosure: I had a huge crush on Larissa "Alex Mack" Oleynik when her show was airing. I'm glad to see she's still working on things like Mad Men. In the final analysis, though, I think I have to give this one to Sardo. Here's why: I actually remember specific things about Sardo. As cute as I found Alex Mack, today I can't tell you one episode plotline or specific detail about the show. But I can tell you that Sardo is very particular about the pronunciation of his name. Because he is more memorable (and achieved that with less exposure than Alex), I have to give it to him.

KV: I am surprised you said that, because everyone seems to think Sardo was a bad call. But Sardo did more in two episodes than Alex Mack did with a whole show. That said, Larisa Oleynik was ridiculously cute, but got to give it to Sardo, No mister, accent on the Do.

KW: Yeah, other than remembering how much I liked the actress, I really don't have a lot to go on for Alex Mack. Never forgotten Sardo, though.

KV: To put it in terms we can all understand: Larisa Oleynik's cuteness > Sardo > Alex Mack's sister in a million commercials > Alex Mack

Winner: Sardo


Omar Gooding v. Clarissa

KV: Omar v. Clarissa has been the toughest one for me. I really love Clarissa, the character, the video games, Elvis, Sam the whole lot. But Omar Gooding went on to be a meth head football player on Playmakers.. which is awesome, while MJH went on to produce a movie called Dead 9 which was full of stereotypes and she was bad in it. But when it comes to Nick, she was queen, so Clarissa

KW: Make no mistake: for a time in the mid-90s, Nickelodeon was Clarissa's network. It seems strange, but the show was quite groundbreaking. How many other live action shows with female lead characters were marketed to both genders? If there were any others, they never came up on my radar. CEIA worked because the challenges she faced were KID challenges and relatable to virtually anybody in our age group. W&CK will always be the show I wished I had gotten on, and there's no denying that Omar has Clarissa beat when it comes to being related to Cuba Gooding, Jr., but Clarissa's impact is just too great to ignore.

Winner: Clarissa

League 2: The Animated Face of Nickelodeon

Animation frees us from the constraints of the physical world.  It allows us to explore the realm of the impossible.  Or, if you're Nickelodeon, the realm of the really weird.  A man made of "powdered toast."  A wallaby working as a phone-sex operator (look it up).  A dog and a cat living together. A sponge living in a pineapple, under the sea no less. MASS HYSTERIA.

Yet there was a sweetness to it, too.  We learned valuable lessons from Doug's interactions at school.  The Rugrats taught us to watch out for your fellow babies.  We carry these teachings with us.

We've picked our eight favorite animated Nickelodeon characters below.  Who will draw victory, and who will be rubbed out?  We'll see!

League 1: The Human Face of Nickelodeon

If you are reading this and you are about my age, and your family had some money, and you weren't anywhere crazy (as in, outside the United States), then Nickelodeon was likely a crucial part of your childhood. Who didn't want to be a member of the Midnight Society? Who didn't hold Camp Anawanna in their hearts? Who didn't want to date/be Alex Mack?

These questions and more (wha-wha-what would you do?) have led us to create this bracket to determine which human representative of Nickelodeon reigns supreme:

Who will move one and who will be left getting slimed? I don't know!

- Kurt

Arguably Debatable: The Journey Begins

Brackets.  The word just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?  Brack-ets.  Brackets.

There's nothing like a good bracket to get the blood flowing.  Don't let its mild appearance fool you.  It is structured chaos, a thin veil of control over the tempestuous tides of competition.  In between those letters and geometric lines, a battle is fought.  A war is waged.  A score is settled.

When my friend Kurt approached me with this project to create brackets for everything, a systematic method of finding the absolute greatest member of any group, I knew I had to do it.  For truth.

We like brackets for how they distill everything down to its very essence, the best representative, the purest form.

Because, ultimately, there can be only one.  Like Highlander.  Man, that Christopher Lambert deserved a bigger career.

Uncertainty plagues our time.  Economies rise and fall.  Mayhem and destruction grip the globe.  But through that din and haze, a shining beacon pierces through.  Here, good reader, you will find the truth.  Definitive.  Unequivocal.  Inarguable.

Actually, well, I suppose that's debatable.

Here's how it works:

Kurt and I will select a group of something.  It could be anything, but it needs to have distinct individual members making it up. This group will be divided into two "leagues", with the winner of each league meeting in the finals.

We'll debate between ourselves and produce the list of randomly seeded individuals who made it to the "Playoffs."

These challengers will compete until, again like Highlander, there can be only one.  And isn't Sean Connery good in it?  You're like, "Whoa, what's he doing in this?"  Great flick.

In the unlikely event that we have differing opinions, a special guest judge will hear our arguments and make a final ruling. The winner moves on and the loser is stuck with the shame of not advancing in this hypothetical internet match-up.

Along the way, we'll offer our rationale, our reasoning on why some made it and why others didn't, and how we feel about the final result.

And you, reader, will enjoy the safety and security of knowing that two guys spent a considerable chunk of time debating whether Ren is better than Stimpy.

God speed to us all.

-Kevin